Suck It Up Buttercup

April 5, 2014

Recently I had to mention to someone I was doing business with that my kids were “at their fathers this weekend” and it stunned me a little bit. (And no, by “doing business” I don’t mean drugs or hooking, it’s just not important to the story!)
It was the first time I chose to acknowledge to someone that doesn’t know me that I’m (going to be) divorced. Out loud.

I have yet to refer to my husband as my ex, and I have yet to introduce myself as a single mom. Not that I plan on opening with that when I meet anyone. “Hi, I’m a single mom and…hey! where are you going??”

“Going through”….it’s a heavy phrase. It’s not “having a divorce” or “taking a divorce” or even “choosing a divorce”, all of these indicate it’s within my control and once decided on, it will pass without a struggle. Like choosing an entree from a menu, “Uh, yes, I’ll take the is-this-really-happening divorce, medium rare, with the years-of-debt marinade and can I get the child support on the side?”  No, it’s going through it. It indicates hardship, an ongoing battle.

It’s something that will emotionally destroy me. It will take way more strength than any woman should have to find out she has (or doesn’t have). It’s taking all of me to keep going in this. Physically I’m fighting off a pain that I’ve never felt before, there’s a reason it’s called heart break, because that is exactly what it feels like. Emotionally I’m trying to stay positive for my boys while still maintaining honesty and openness with them. Mentally I am fighting off feelings of inadequacy and self hatred daily. And because of all of that no one can (or will) go through it with you.

It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been through one. I am lucky to be the first, and hopefully last, of my immediate family and close friends to go through a divorce. So my friends are supportive, but can only understand so much. Eventually friends stop asking how I’m doing. Either they don’t want to keep reminding me of it or they have their own lives to get on with and don’t have time to listen to me bitch and moan again. And I don’t blame them at all. My family has been my rock and have time and again saved me from going off the deep end emotionally. Literally.
But they can only do so much for me in this. It’s something I have to do myself.

My soon to be ex started his journey long before he actually left. He is so far ahead of me in this, even he can’t go through this at my pace. If he ever stumbles upon this post I can see him rolling his eyes and begging me to get a life and quit the melodrama. But that’s because he isn’t where I am in this. And because it was his choice to leave.
He assumes all of this should be easier than it is. His true calling should have been as a circus sideshow performer, “The Man Who Can Assume Anything!”. You pay your nickel and stand in front of him and he will assume what you are or how you should feel. When you try to tell him his assumptions aren’t true (you’ve never even once been an octopus, in fact, you can’t even swim) he will tell you your time is up and to move on.

So this is my journey to take alone. Problem is I don’t do “alone” very well. Who want’s to go on a trip when you have no real destination or clue when it will end? Your funds are non-existent, you forgot to pack a toothbrush, your shoes are giving you blisters and you don’t speak the language. Not my idea of fun. I am not an “Eat, Pray, Love” kind of adventurer.

But I have to, so I will. The good thing about a journey is that when it does end, when you find a destination that feels right, you are normally better for it. And as much as I despise  saying that I’m “going through” something at least those words indicate that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They mean that there’s still hope. You go through something in order to come out the other side. Thank God it’s not called “hanging out forever in a divorce”.