SHE

October 12th 2013

He was so handsome. Gorgeous even. Tall. Strong. Silent. Which gave him a bit of a bad boy edge which was absolutely her weakness. His shy almost mysterious, slightly grumpy demeanor appealed to her. They were so young. So different. So carefree. Spending all night on the roof of a beach house was all that was important. He admitted he liked her that night and even though she absolutely knew that he did, she didn’t say anything until he said it first.  She was shy and scared, but also liked the game they were playing. Flirting felt so good.  They were 18 and in love.  She gave herself to him fast and hard. She wasn’t sure she would know how to hold back even if she had wanted to.  They loved, they fought, they made up, they rode amazing highs and depressingly trivial lows that rocked her tiny young world. If she only knew then.  Part of her knew from the start, this is supposed to be her first, but not her forever love. But you can’t tell someone that is in the throes of a first love that it should end and that she should move on and find other, more mature loves. That she should take all her past heartaches and lessons and create new and better loves. That maybe, just maybe, there isn’t only one person in the world for her. Maybe there are more.  No one worth their weight in irrational teenage wisdom would ever believe that to be true.  So she held on to this first love. She held on tight.  Through break ups that turned into reconciliations. Were those mutual reconciliations? Was she very good at needing? Was he very good at giving in?  The fights got bigger, the making up became more half-hearted, and the lows got lower.  But still she held on. She could see him pulling away. She could see him losing interest. That spark in his eyes was gone when he looked at her. Passion turned into complacency. A couple into friendship then into boredom.  But she got a ring anyway. She got a wedding. She got a honeymoon. She got a house. She got a son. And then another son. Each milestone marked by a falling out that could have, should have, ended their union.  But she held on. She begged. She made it right. She tried at least.  Each milestone marked a change in her. Physically. Emotionally. She was unrecognizable. She lost herself. But realized she had never known herself to begin with. She lost herself far before it began to show. She sabotaged herself. She was good at that, it was unnervingly normal for her to do.  Finally. When it was too late to get away cleanly, it was really over. This time she couldn’t beg. She couldn’t convince. She couldn’t demand. She had no leverage anymore. His mind was made up. It had been made up for years.  He had changed too. Angry, disinterested, lazy, unhappy. Life had not lived up to what either of them imagined and it so often felt like too much work.  She couldn’t break down. She couldn’t run away. She couldn’t cause a scene.  She was a mother now. A grown up. She wasn’t the most important person in her life anymore.  She was going to have to force her sons to grow up much faster than she ever wanted them to. She was going to have to hold them, and comfort them, and apologize to them. She was going to have to take all the blame. She was going to have to be a scapegoat. And she would. Willingly. For them.  She was going to be one of them. A woman that couldn’t keep a happy home. A failure.  She was scared.  She doesn’t look like she did when she was 18. She doesn’t smile like she did then. She doesn’t move like she did then. She doesn’t love like she did then. She was a lifetime away from that person. She is tired now.  And she had changed him.  She had changed so much that he couldn’t love her anymore.