For Better or Worse….Unless I Don’t Like the Worse

November 19,2013

Instead of rewriting marriage vows this way, maybe couples should think about what the words really mean that they recite to each other.
Maybe they should be reminded just how “worse” it can, and will, get.
What marriage is without faults? Without hurdles? Mountains and valleys? None.
And what couple can promise, truly promise, when they say those words that they will be together in the worse. Whatever the worse is.

Not many.

I will have questions. A million unanswered questions. I will be sad. I will be angry. I will be violent and irrational. I will be lower than low. I will have no self esteem or self worth. I will cry at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places. I will be bitchy to friends and strangers for no reason. I will fail to hide my emotions from my kids. I will assume the worst. I will beg with God. I will yell at God. I will scold myself. I will tune out. I will listen to sad music at an alarming rate. I will smoke and cry on my porch in the middle of the night.

I am allowing myself all of these things. I am not putting a deadline on them. But, I know there will be an end to them.

I know that I will wake up one day without a tissue in hand. I will stop playing every awful scenario over and over in my head. I will stop regretting and wondering. I will smile at a stranger. I will tell my kids everything is ok and mean it. I will stop being afraid that I will use my kids as tools in a nasty situation. I won’t do it because they are humans, MY humans. I will learn not to be selfish. I will see the good in a bad situation. I will take friends & family up on their generous offers. I will learn how to support myself. I will not underestimate my abilities. I will learn that broken promises do not mean a broken life. I will stop joking that my life serves as an example of what happens when you do everything wrong. I will stop asking questions that won’t get answered. I will stop wishing ill will on someone that doesn’t deserve it. I will see this situation from someone else’s point of view. I will see myself as others see me.

I will be better.