Inching My Way To The Front
May 28, 2014
In the past months I have started to attend church more religiously (pun only partially intended). My parents now have all 3 of their children attending their home church with them. My mom was so happy she cried, passed out and squealed like a tween meeting the Biebs, all at once (don’t fact check this).
My Dad, God love him, is a ‘front of the class’ kind of guy. A trait none of the rest of us share with him. Even though he is outnumbered, we always sit about 5 rows from the front, right in front of the pulpit. Normally the first 5 pews only have a handful of people sitting in them. And somehow, I end up in the seat directly in front of the pulpit, with a straight line of sight from me to the pastor. I don’t know how this keeps happening. It’s not that I really mind as I’m actually interested in what he is saying. But, I am not a front and center person. I’m not shy by any means, but I’d prefer to blend in and stand out only when I choose to….or awkwardly demand it with my clumsiness and talk-before-thinking disease (one day this will be classified a disease, and I’ll be the spokesperson).
Normally I wouldn’t think about where I sit and why. But I’ve started to wonder what my reasons are for pushing myself into the background. In small things in life I’m fine standing out. I’ll talk my face off in a small group setting, I’ll make small talk with strangers, I don’t even have a problem standing up in front of a group and speaking or reading. Superficial things, I excel at them (I’m like the Michael Jordan of elevator small talk).
But when it comes to the core of who or what I am, I run from the spotlight. If I’m asked what I’m good at I stumble on my words trying to think of something that doesn’t make me sound like I hate myself. I don’t hate myself, I just don’t know myself. There is a difference, I think.
I can carry a tune but will never accept that compliment if it’s given. I stopped acting, which I loved. I stopped dancing, which I loved. I stopped piano lessons, which I’ve always regretted. I never went to college. I’ve never lost the weight I put on in my 20’s. Anything that could have made me stand out I stopped because I lack the confidence in my own abilities. Physically, I’m hard to ignore, I take up half the room. I’m loud and open, jovial even. And none of that is fake (especially the weight…) but that doesn’t mean I believe in myself. For all my outward bravado, I’m really just a chicken shit when it comes to being a better me. I talk a good ‘front row’ game but when it comes to actually sitting up front and raising my hand if asked a question, I choke. I find a reason why I can’t. I don’t have the time or the money to go to school, to lose the weight, to get my life organized.
Lately I’m trying to find out who I am. Who is the real me? I wonder if I need to be more front and center in my life to figure this out. Shouldn’t we all be? That’s a real question, because I don’t know. To find the real me maybe I need to say yes to every offer and every opportunity, to see what’s out there for me. To break out of my comfort zone. But do I become Jim Carrey in Yes Man where I can’t say no to anything? Is that the answer? Sounds exhausting and terrifying to me.
Maybe the answer is just being open to it. Being open to new opportunities, whether they come to you in the front or the back row. Maybe we can slowly stop pushing ourselves into the back row when we belong front and center. Where should you have said yes, but said no in the past, out of fear?
I dare you to say yes next time. Even if it’s an epic failure, who cares. Just say yes, and enjoy the ride (bad analogy, I hate roller coasters).
