I Learned it From Watching You!

January 3, 2014

I have spent the past 5 weeks figuring out who to blame for the end of my marriage. Mostly I find fault with myself. And occasionally, when I’m nice to myself, it will be his fault. But what is most realistic when a marriage fizzles out, is that it’s both our fault.

Then I have moments where I need to find someone else to blame. One of my best friends, who 17 years ago was going to ask me out but stepped back because he saw how much my ex liked me. Damn you, if you had just asked me out instead I wouldn’t have fallen in love and started a family and then lost the man I thought was going to be around forever! I know, hysterical (at least my friend thought so) but the mind goes to some absurd places when you are desperate to not face your problems.

Here’s my latest person to blame. And mind you, I think this one is pretty valid.

My dad.

He was a man that grew up with a twin brother and an older brother. In his twenties his parents separated. His father wouldn’t, or couldn’t, tell him he loved him until my Dad was well into adulthood. His father cheated on his mother and didn’t hide it. Not the best role model.

But he decided that he was not going to be that kind of husband or father, and he wasn’t. And here is why it’s his fault. He set the bar too high.

He is a man that knew he had a choice to not become a victim of his circumstances. He was going to show love to his kids every day. He was going to make sure his wife knew that he loved her. He was going to be the best role model any kid could hope for. And he was.

Naturally, I grew up believing that men hold doors for women, they don’t let their wives carry something heavy when he’s around (unless the wife insists that she’s “got it!”), they take out the trash, fix a leaky faucet, move a piece of furniture, do the dishes after they have expressed thanks for the meal that was prepared, they buy their daughters dolls they have been obsessing over even if the budget is stretched too thin as it is, they say sweet things about their wife in front of their kids, they apologize when they do it wrong, they lovingly joke with their wife, they are strong, confident, trustworthy, and most of all dependable. They love God. They are humble and happy about who they are.

Now, I’m sure my dad might not agree with most of this. And because I’m an adult I know that we are never as awesome as our kids think we are. It was a tough day for me when I realized my Dad wasn’t invincible. And because we are human I understand that no one can be all of these things all the time. We have bad moments, but that doesn’t make us bad people.

This is why the bar is set too high, I assumed from a young age that I would find someone just like my Dad. Like most girls do. I figured that was just the way the world worked. And why wouldn’t I find someone as happy to treat me the way my dad treats my mom?

Well, that’s the fairy tale isn’t it? That’s the dream. We think it’s just our right to keep being treated as we were while growing up. Good or bad, in my case good. And then as adults, we realize that no one can live up to the idea you formed as a young girl. If it was that easy I would be living in a castle with a rugged prince while 10 suitors pine for me from outside my castle walls.

So even though the mess I find myself in is ALL my dad’s fault (obviously), I wouldn’t change the way he raised me one teensy tiny bit. He was and is the perfect dad and the perfect role model on what a husband should be. And now, at 35, I can start looking for someone else to fall short of who he is.

And a word of warning to all you amazing husbands and fathers out there, be careful, you are setting your daughters up for a mighty fall years from now. Luckily, like my dad, you are probably also a great safety net…just in case.